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9-1-1 may think it’s doing us all a favor by getting away from the creepy Halloween stuff with an episode devoted to love stories, but all I really took away from “Buck, Actually” is that love might be the scariest thing of all.

I mean, you fall in love with someone after seeing Say, Anything and years later you find yourself an empty-nester being ignored by your husband, grabbing a gun, and taking to a freeway sign to expose yourself to all of Los Angeles just to get his attention. Sure, you rekindle your romance after he plays “In Your Eyes” over the police radio, but you’re still going to land in jail for a whole laundry list of crimes. That’s what love does to people.

Or you could end up like that tweaker woman who thinks her boyfriend’s half-baked plan to rob a gas station convenience store is a good idea and get involved in one of the most hilariously ill-fated robberies of all time, fall through a convenience store ceiling and get arrested. Okay, this story is cute because the two convenience store clerks realize they are in love — Ruth & Earl 4Eva! — but otherwise: scary!

Oh, you know, you could fall in love, get married, and as you’re driving away in your “just married” car you get into a horrific accident, end up wrapped around a tree, and in need of the jaws of life to get out. Sure, you’ll survive, but your wedding day memories are FOREVER RUINED.

Even the most lovely victim love story ends in tragedy: You, too, could have a love that is great and spans decades and is full of adventures like Thomas and Mitchell — we get a mini-TV show all about their life together within 9-1-1, not complaining — and just after you get married as two old men, you could be walking down your driveway and get smashed between your front gate and your car, which was not in park and rolled down your driveway. Dead! Mitchell is dead! BUT WAIT, love sucks even more: You could be like Thomas and watch your love die tragically and then go and say goodbye to him, only to die yourself. Yes, you wanted to go out together, and you die holding hands, but like, I just spent seven solid minutes on your love story only to get the end of The Notebook and I AM SAD.

In conclusion, if you’re a citizen of Los Angeles, love hurts…love hurts so much! But you know who love feels really good for? The people on this show who we actually care about (Just kidding: Thomas and Mitchell, I care about you more than at least half the main characters on this show, R.I.P.).

If you couldn’t tell from the title, this episode is all about Buck getting back out there post-Abby. Buck thinks his new singledom is a huge deal, but almost everyone is like, “Uh, you’ve basically been single for months.” But now Buck is out of Abby’s apartment (and on Chimney’s couch — not Maddie’s for some reason?) and making an effort to go out into the world. He’s also making an effort to not revert back to his old “Buck 1.0” ways. Remember when he had sex with his LAFD appointed therapist during his therapy session? Yeah, he doesn’t want to go back to that. He’s Buck 2.0!

Well, he’s Buck 2.0 until he runs into his favorite redheaded reporter Taylor Kelly at a karaoke bar he’s at with Chim and Maddie. She sends him a drink, they get to chatting, and they end up having sex in the bathroom. Buck 1.0 is back, apparently — and spending time with the same reporter who was ready and willing to damage Bobby and Buck’s entire station just to get ahead in her career. No, but sure, Buck, have sex with that traitor.

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